Fear of Intimacy

 

The fear of intimacy is strongly connected with the fear of vulnerability. For many people, however, the two issues can be separate. You may be able to become vulnerable, showing your true self to others or at least to friends and relatives whom you trust. Yet you might feel very uncomfortable when you feel a relationship becoming too close or intimate. The fear of vulnerability then can be defined as a fear of showing your true self, whereas the fear of intimacy is the fear of sharing a deep relationship with someone else.

 

Abandonment and Engulfment

 

The fear of intimacy for most is rooted in the dual fears of abandonment and engulfment. Those who fear abandonment worry that their partner will leave, while those who are afraid of engulfment are fearful of losing themselves in a relationship. Many people actually suffer from both fears at the same time.

 

Fears of abandonment and engulfment are generally rooted in past childhood experiences, rather than the here-and-now of adult relationships. Although the fears are dramatically different from each other, both cause behaviours that alternately pull the partner in and then push him or her away again. A distancer- pursuer dynamic can develop. These behaviours create friction and help to destroy intimacy.

 

Ironically, those who fear abandonment can actually be more likely to leave a relationship than those who fear engulfment. However, when the relationship does break apart, those with the fear of engulfment may actually suffer feelings of abandonment.

 

Whether fear of intimacy is based in a fear of abandonment, a fear of engulfment, or something else entirely, it can cause havoc for both romantic and non romantic relationships.